I have been absent for a week. It has been an interesting/daunting/confusing last few weeks.
The husband is off sick from work. The doctor calls it 'grief reaction'. Basically, he is finding it hard to come to terms with what happened to Patrick, and I suppose everything that has happened since. He says that it is like he has just woken up. He wonders where he has been these past few years.
He tells me that since Patrick's birthday, he has been feeling down and numb. He is angry with most people and most things. He says that he wakes up at 4am and thinks of Patrick. He remembers holding him in the hospital and thinking that he was just sleeping. He wakes up and relives me telling him that Patrick had died. He wakes up and wonders where he was for Florence's birth. He asks me why he wasn't there.
I do not know what to do. As I have come up out of the gloom and depression he has gone down. It is a confusing time. If I think that no-one talks to me about Patrick and what happened, he has had it worse. Not that it is a competition. There are people that he works with who have never mentioned Patrick even though everyone knows about it. He was 'fine' with the silence before, but now it has all come up and come out.
Me to the world: 'Hello? Are you there? Your friend/colleague/workmate/neighbour/brother/family member is having a hard time of it at the moment. Are you listening?'
The world to me: silence... deafening silence... turned away faces...
When, or if, he does go back to work no-one will mention anything. People have actually implied that he is using Patrick as an excuse for some time-off. If only people knew...
So, where does this leave us? And, the main word is 'us'. We are in this together. The husband was there when I was at the bottom and now I will be there for him. Forever and always.