I never bought much for Patrick. I had experienced a miscarriage the year before he was born and that had stopped me buying a lot. Plus, Patrick was going to get all the hand-me-downs from his older brother, Shay. Still, I bought a few outfits for Patrick right at the end of my pregnancy for him to wear home from the hospital.
He never got to wear the outfits. I have a packet of white bodysuits which I bought for him. There are only two left. The third he wore to his resting place. I still have that packet of bodysuits and cannot bring myself to part with them. They are nothing special and have no distinguishing feature to make them stand out from all the other plain white bodysuits which are in the world. The only thing to make them special is the fact that they were for Patrick. I have so little to remind me of him and he had so few possessions that anything which is even remotely connected to him I have to keep.
The other day I was going through Shay's old clothes. The attic is full of bags of clothes and toys and baby items which are never going to be used anymore. I still do not think I have quite come to terms with that. Anyway, I was going through old clothes to give to charity. All the clothes would have been second hand anyway, given to us by family. In one of the bags was a t-shirt that reads, 'I'm the cool baby brother'. There is also a babygro that states, 'Mummy's handsome boy'. Shay never wore these items. Neither did Patrick. But, he should have.
At the moment they are hanging in Florence's room, constant reminders of Patrick. I do not know what to do with these items. Patrick never wore them so technically they hold no memories for me. However, I feel like if I throw them away then I am missing out on the opportunity of owning something connected to Patrick. Even though these items are not connected to Patrick.
Most dilemmas I go through have no logic; most issues I face have no solution. Each day is a constant battle to make sense of something which I never seem able to grasp.
I suppose the clothes will continue to hang in Florence's room until the day I put them in Patrick's box. They will be kept. Like I said, anything even remotely connected to Patrick gets kept, poured over at another date, savoured, and imagined.