Sometimes I cannot remember what Patrick feels like; I cannot quite grasp what it feels like to be his Mum.
He is a separate entity in himself. He is completely different to Shay and Florence and obviously, I have a very different relationship with him than the other two. He is on my mind constantly and I am always aware of his presence and absence.
It does not matter whether the children and I are at home having a morning snack, outside in the garden, or we are all out together with Daddy sightseeing or eating. No matter when or where, if I look at them two, I see Patrick not being there.
Sometimes I will catch the husband looking at them and I wonder if he thinks the same thing. I wonder if he looks at them and sees Patrick missing also.
I know that I have lost a child and I know that I am missing something, but sometimes I cannot grasp what that feels like. I feel like I am on autopilot. I feel like that part of me is visible but hidden at the same time. Does that make sense? I feel bereft but incapable of grieving in the same moment.
I never really feel joy or happiness when I think of Patrick. Will I ever? Of course I am very grateful to be his Mum, but there is too much behind that sentence to figure out. The only concrete emotion associated with him is sadness. But, sometimes I cannot conjure up what that sadness feels like and so I do not know how to feel connected to him. I do not know what it means to be his Mum; I do not know what it means for him to be my son.
How does he be a part of our lives without feeling sadness? How do I have a relationship with him that moves and evolves throughout my life? I cannot seem to figure out what we are supposed to look like together. But, then, maybe I am trying to define and control something that cannot be controlled or defined?
All these questions all the time and no-one to provide the answers. Sometimes I wish I knew what was going on. But, I do not. Maybe nobody does.
All to often I fall into the habit of sitting here waiting for an answer to appear...