I have a problem, but I have never voiced it before. I worry how people will judge me. So, I am going to say it with my back to you.
My feelings for Shay and Florence are different. I tried writing that different ways, but none of them worked out. I wanted to lessen the blow, but I cannot. I feel differently towards them and I do not know why. Do other people feel the same?
Obviously I love them both. I will get that out there first, but something is different. Maybe it is just the fact that I do not really experience joy or excitement anymore. Obviously I am happy, but joy is not really existent and I cannot seem to muster excitement. I do not know how. I can fake it, but Patrick and what has happened is always in the back of my mind.
I feel differently towards both of them and I do not know why. I do not know if it is because Shay is older and more testing and Florence is not. I prefer Florence sometimes over Shay. Shay is whinny and shouty and 'no, I don't want too'; whereas Florence is all curious and smiles and thumb sucking while giving hugs. He is unruly and she is cute.
I feel differently towards both of them and I do not know why. I do not know if it is because he is a boy and she is a girl. He is all trackpants and gumboots and she is pretty dresses and hair ties. Sexist? Gender stereotyping? I am sorry, but I do not care at the moment. I cannot change how the head and heart view life at the moment.
But, mostly, I feel differently towards them and I do not know whether it is because one was before Patrick and one was after Patrick. In the film, Return to Zero, a doctor is talking to a mother and says that the mother, because of her loss, has been given a gift. Her gift is that she will always appreciate those children that she has in a way that people who have not experienced a loss cannot. She will forever cherish the life she brings into the world and not take it for granted. That has stuck with me. Maybe this is where it is all coming from.
Shay was always here. Shay was here before the miscarriage, before Patrick, before the turmoil with Florence. Do I take him for granted maybe? But Florence, well she will always be after Patrick. She is the rainbow baby where Shay is not. (But, I do not call her a rainbow baby because I do not want her to have a label where he does not.) But, is she different to Shay because of everything that came before? With Shay, I did not know what was to come, I took it all for granted. But with Florence, I know exactly what has not come and what can never be.
It upsets me that I view them differently. It genuinely does. I wonder if I am going to damage them emotionally, psychologically... I wonder if they can pick up on how I feel.
Why do I feel this way?