I am really feeling it at the moment; am more conscious of Patrick's absence on a second-by-second basis. The last few posts have been written with tears streaming. I do not know why I am having a particularly hard time at the moment.
I am coming up two years and I have empty-arms syndrome. I have such an unbearable desire to have Patrick fill my arms. I have been trying to figure out what I can hold, or hug, or sleep with, which will take away the ache in my arms. It is almost an itchiness.
I wish I had something to rock in my arms. This is what I really want to do. I almost feel like I need to at the moment. Call it a mother's urge, or instinct, or a physical yearning.
I wish I had something with his smell on it. I wish I had something that he wore. I wish I had something that evoked a memory of him. I wish I had anything, anything at all, that reminded me of him and made me feel close to him right now. But, I have nothing; nothing that will give me comfort.
Sometimes photos are not enough. Sometimes, just sometimes, memories are not enough to carry me through this.