The festive period has come and gone. It was over so quickly, but that is how life seems to be heading these days. Time is flying.
I was relatively 'alright' over the festive period, I must say. I never know how I will react to holidays, special occasions, or family gatherings. The husband and I had a quiet night in to welcome in the New Year. It was lovely and peaceful. I lit a candle for Patrick just so that he was included as well. I like to light a candle for him so that 'his light' is present. In some way when I light a candle I feel as if he is still a physical part of the family, of my day, of my life. I cannot do much to include him physically, but the act of lighting a candle for him helps. I buy a vanilla scented candle and that smell always reminds me of him, which I find comforting as well.
As I went to bed, I blew the candle out. That is when it dawned on me, when all the happiness and optimism disappeared so quickly. This is another year. This is another year without Patrick. And it upset me to realise that this is it forever. No matter how many plans I make, how positive I feel about the future, Patrick will always be the thing that is missing. I crave for him. I long to hold him. I yearn over him constantly. I really do want what I cannot have. And this is it isn't it? This is how it will always be. A new year will never happen where Patrick's absense does not overshadow it.
However, it cannot be all doom and gloom. This cloud will always darken my life, but I am optimistic about this year. I have big plans for Patrick and I this year.
So, as so many have said before, watch this space. Happy New Year.