Over in this part of the world, 'trigger warnings' have become increasingly popular. These warnings are in place to tell people that there may be something within which will upset them.
There is a mini-television series on at the moment called, Little Boy Blue, and it is heartbreaking. If we have to warn every type of person about the possibility of them getting upset, then they should have included a warning for me because this is right up there with everything that I need to avoid in my life. Now, do not think that I am saying it is a terrible show because it is not. It is brilliant, but it is heartbreaking.
It is about an eleven-year-old boy who died almost ten years ago when he was caught in the cross-fire between two gangs in Manchester. It is the 'story' of when he died and focuses on the police investigation. The husband and I watched the first episode on catch-up on Sunday and I knew then that I needed to avoid it. It makes me so sad that this family had to bury their son for no reason. It is awful to see them going through the days after his death, and slowly loosing the plot through grief, confusion, and simply not being able to function as they did before.
There was a scene last night where the mother goes into the boy's bedroom and after looking around, climbs into his bed and lies down. How heartbreaking. I cannot do it. It resonates somehow, and yet our 'stories' are completely different. I do not have anything of Patrick's, but I know what that feels like, to want to be so close to them that you will lie in their bed just to catch some sense of who they were.
I have a blanket that Patrick was wrapped in when he was in the hospital and I used to lie in bed with it, just to get a smell of him, just to be close to something that was close to him. It upsets me thinking about it now. I understand what that yearning and longing feels like and that scene, that memory of loss, is my trigger. I cried throughout the episode last night, cried at things that there was no need to cry at. It was awful to watch the loss and utter devastation that was left behind.
So, I have regressed. I want to get Patrick's blanket out and lie with it all over again.