I cried myself to sleep last night. I won't shy away from it. It's not the first time and probably won't be the last either.
I had been looking through a book and found photos of Patrick tucked into it. He was so big, the biggest of my three children. He was so perfect. Looking at photos of him (I've said this before and will say it again) broke my heart.
I am filled with disbelief when I look at photos of Patrick. There really was no reason for him to die, to not be here with us. Disbelief that this has happened; disbelief that this now overshadows my life.
I view everything as 'Before Patrick' and 'After Patrick'. My 'After Patrick' life is filled with sadness and constant 'what ifs'. I try to be happy and feel joy with my other children. Don't misunderstand me when I say that. I am happy, but everything is tinged with sadness.
I wish it was different, but I do not see how it ever can be.