This is a first, I must say. I am feeling a lot of love at the moment. I think I have turned a corner somewhere - or maybe the sadness is on holiday for a while...?
No, I will choose to think that I am turning a corner. I do not know what I will see around this corner, but I need to turn it. I can never leave what is behind me, but I need to move forward. I need to turn down this road and acknowledge that it is totally different to where I have been for the past... I have actually just searched how many days it has been since April 21, 2015. It has been 868 days. Can you believe that? 868 days since I said 'hello' and 'goodbye' to my beautiful boy. That seems like such a long time. I have had a wee cry about that number... Who even knows what 868 days feels like? It is madness. That seems like such a long time.
Right, I have had a moment and now I need to carry on with this thought that I started. Now, do not slap me for this, but sometimes I think it is down to choice, it is for me anyway. You need to understand, that I could never have written these words after Patrick died, not even a year, or even two years, after he died. It is only now.
I was thinking about this blog and its future. And, I was thinking about my life, and the children, and what it was all going to be about now. And I came to the realisation that I am holding on to all this anger and 'why' questions and darkness because I feel bad for enjoying life when Patrick is not here. I feel like I will forget him if I do not hold onto the hurt and anger. I feel like people will forget him more if I choose to be happy and see the light and try to enjoy each and every day that I have.
I know that this is common among bereaved parents, but I honestly thought that I was living life and not holding on to any hurt, anger, resentment [insert negative emotion here]. But, I am not. I do not want to be angry and negative all the time. I do not want to be pessimistic about life. I do not want to only feel sadness when I think of Patrick. I know that I will be sad, I will not pretend that it is a switch that I can flick and never have any sad moments for the rest of my life, but I want his life to be positive. I want his impact to be good.
So, I am embarking on a new 'journey', if you will. I have written before about how I feel lost. And, 868 days is a long time to feel lost. But, I finally feel like I am finding myself again. It has taken a long time and some truly determined effort and soul searching on my part, but I need to take this other road; I need to turn the corner. I need to remember that I am not a bad mother for wanting to be happy.
I know that this may not be the cuppa that some want, but it is really tiring holding on to so much negativity. I know, I have been doing it for the last 868 days. Longer even. So, I choose happiness, and light, and sunshine. One day at a time...