Sometimes I wonder why I do what I am doing. It is a tough road to head down.
A lot of people tell me that they want support, that they want events and opportunities where they can meet other people who have lost a baby. They want friendship, they want acknowledgement. And then there are the health professionals who want a chance to learn, and a chance to understand what baby loss feels like.
So, I take all this information and what do I do with it? I start organising. I start thinking of ways to get a voice out there. I plan events that people can come to so they can meet other people and they can feel included and acknowledged. I start shouting about a movie screening - 'it's FREE!'. I start putting it in all the newspapers - 'everyone welcome'. I start talking to people about it - 'it's part of awareness month'.
On Friday, June 30th at 7pm I organised the screening of Return to Zero, the first feature length film about stillbirth. I got in touch with the makers of the film in America and they were thrilled to allow me to show it. They even sent me a signed copy of the DVD. I was stoked. I found a location in Enniskillen. I advertised it on social media, on the locations social media, in newspapers, through articles, and through word of mouth. I bought refreshments for it, got a babysitter, and had a welcoming 'speech' ready for it.
And do you know what happened?
Seven people turned up. Seven. Eighteen people registered and only two turned up. Only two. One of the seven people was a midwife who got upset and left before the movie started. And the other four had told the co-ordinator that day that they were coming. So, there were six people, plus the hubby and I, so that made eight people. Eight people at an event to raise awareness of baby loss and offer support to the community and those affected.
Where were all those in the community who have suffered a loss? Where were all those who talk about wanting more exposure? Wanting more events? Wanting more opportunities to meet other bereaved parents? Where were all those medical professionals who want an insight into what baby loss is like? Who want to understand what life is like after the parents leave the hospital? Where were the people who registered? Where were the people that the hubby and I know? What about those friends and family who should have come to help raise awareness and acknowledge their family member? What about people in our community who could have shown support?
Am I embarrassed by the turn out? No. Do I take it personally? No. Do I regret organising the event? No. For those few people who turned up, it was extremely worthwhile. It was beneficial and healing for those who came, talked, and watched. I am very happy that I helped those few people. But, I am... I suppose disappointed is the word. I really do feel like I am up against a society that does not want to acknowledge baby loss. A society where they want to put my son in a back room and act like it never happened. A society who would rather turn away from bereavement than talk about it.
So, I feel a bit lost at the moment. I do not really know what to do now. I thought that I would end this blog post by saying something like, 'as long as Patrick is proud of what I am doing, then that is enough', but I cannot quite seem to get to that point.
I feel quite deflated by the whole thing. Maybe I should bury my head in the sand too??