21 Smiles for Patrick is over. I made it to fifteen, but that is all that I will be doing.
I was fine until Easter Sunday and then I woke up and thought, what am I doing? Why am I making other people smile? Will it bring Patrick back and make all this go away? No. The Smiles were a great distraction and a great thing for me to do. I will do it again next year and will give more smiles, but this year, it is finished.
You see, I have come to realise that I hate Easter. Is Easter always at this time of year? A week before Patrick's birthday...great.
Two years ago at exactly this time I went to Easter Mass services at my local church. I remember exactly where I sat. I remember what I wore. I remember that Patrick was moving like mad and I thought, 'this boy is going to be a footballer'. He used to move so much at night time. I was so pregnant and Patrick was so cooked that I was counting down the days. I remember thinking about christening him in the very Chapel that I was sitting it. We had everything ahead of us, everything to look forward too. He had all my hugs and kisses, and smiles and tickles before him. He had a place in the family to fill. And now what do I have? Nothing.
Yesterday I woke up and I just cried. I went to the shop to buy milk and I sat outside and cried. I sat in the car park to the chapel and cried. I sat at the table reading a newspaper and cried. I have started snapping at the husband again; he bears the brunt of my frustration at the world... What utter rubbish everything turned out to be.
This year, we 'did' Easter for Shay. I bought him a Paw Patrol Easter Egg (a favourite) and he was so happy. I did not say anything about the Easter bunny. I told him about Jesus (a man who walked the Earth, died, rose again, and now lives in Heaven with Patrick) and that we get eggs because they symbolise hope and new life. Saying this to him while Patrick's loss sits on my shoulders seemed contradictory, somehow hypocritical.
So, I do not like Easter. Patrick's birthday is on Friday... Maybe I should just hibernate for the whole of April? It has become a month increasingly difficult to be happy with.