It was Mother's Day on Sunday; a whole day dedicated to Mothers. It is a lovely idea, but, like everything else, it will never be what it should.
I love being a mother. I honestly do not know what I did with my time before I had children. How did I ever fill my days? This is the first year where we are all together (last year, I was in hospital with Florence for Mother's Day). I did not know how Mother's Day would 'feel' this year. This is the beginning of what all my Mother's Days will be like - Patrick always absent, no more other children.
I find that the emotion of grieving starts days before the actual event and then when the event rolls around, I am not sad or emotional. The grief blindsides me days before something important. Most of the time, I do not realise what is happening and then the penny drops and I re-live Patrick's absence all over again. So, on Friday, I was like a woman possessed. The poor husband. I was so emotional. The actual tears came from something completely unrelated and then ended with Patrick and his absence. I was bereft.
A whole day for mothers and where were my children? We are finally all together, this is what my family will look like forever, but we will never be complete. I always want it to be 'normal', to have a day like all the other mothers, but I cannot. I do try and not 'ruin' the day for the children though. I cannot be sad all the time on these days (Mother's Day, birthdays, Christmas...) when they are supposed to be happy days fill of laughter and celebration. I do not want the children to roll their eyes (they are far too young anyway) because Mum is crying again on their birthday, or on Christmas...
I am sure that they will understand at some point. I would like to reach the point where there can be a few tears and a chat about Patrick, and then the grief can be shelved, and we can go on to celebrate whatever there is to celebrate.
Whether this ideal is actually possible, or whether it will happen this way, I can only wait to find out.