I wish I knew...

I wish I knew that it gets harder before it gets better.

My tipping point was six months after Patrick was born. I wanted some type of memorial. I wanted someone to talk about Patrick, but no-one did. I could not understand why no-one was mentioning him or why we were not lighting a candle at least.

I remember chatting to a counsellor on that day. It was a coincidence that it happened to be that day. I had asked for help and that call came at my lowest.

During our conversation, he asked me why I needed someone to talk about him. I felt that because he was never mentioned, that I was unable to talk about him, to remember him properly. It was as if Patrick had never existed.

The counsellor told me to take some time for myself that day. It was a difficult day and I needed to be gentle. He told me that I did not need to follow the lead of others; that what they did or did not do should not determine what I do on that day, or any day. He was right. I needed to do something to celebrate his life and memory.

That day I began to light a candle for Patrick. I feel 'better' for doing it. I feel like I  am acknowledging his presence each day; acknowledging his place in my life.