I have been in a funk these past few weeks. I will be honest. I do not know why, but I have been very, 'meh' lately. Usually I would be an optimistic person, a glass-half-full type of gal, but not at the moment. But then I wonder if optimism can exist alongside life after loss...
Can I be happy after Patrick? Can I focus on the positive and good in life when Patrick is gone? It is difficult being me at the moment (and I am not looking for sympathy here). I would not wish it on anyone.
Everything is so confusing and murky and sad. The weather does not help, let us be fair. It rains all the time. Every. Single. Day. And then when it does not rain, it is cloudy and dull and dreary. There is not light, no heat, no warmth.
And sometimes I feel like this is what life is like.
You see, and sometimes I have avoided telling people this, Patrick is dead because of negligence from the hospital. He should be here. It is this fact that I cannot reconcile my life with. I did everything I was supposed to do when I was pregnant with Patrick. I knew there was something wrong and I was not listened too. Now, I have a cross in a field. How do I put that into my life and wake up tomorrow with a smile on my face full of optimism and positivity?
I saw a psychiatrist on Monday (yep, that is how far life has got) and he said I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). What? I feel weighed down by those words.
Where do I go from here? I need to find the light again.