As I write this, Florence is trying to reach Shay's water bottle. Florence is such a wee character. She is standing now; she can pull herself up. I do not know why this upsets me so much. I cannot seem to grasp the idea that this development is normal; I see her as a doll. She is so tiny, but there she is. Her wee curls on the back of her head are catching the sun. Maybe I am just having a moment, feeling slightly poetic, being incredibly melancholy.
I do not know. Everything is jumbled. The more Florence grows, the more upset I get. Not all the time, just some things will catch me off guard. Is it that I unconsciously think about Patrick and how I miss out on all these moments with him? Or, maybe it is because I know that there will be no more children? Have I mentioned that? We will not have any more children. We have been advised against it - how lovely. Not only was Patrick taken, but also the possibility of any more children. I know we have Shay and Florence here with us and I count my blessings every day, I really do.
I have been asked how I feel about not having any other children. I thought I was fine with it; I thought there was nothing really to 'deal' with. When I think about it, I just think, 'well, that is just how it is'. As Florence gets older though, I find myself thinking about it more. In different moments I am struck by a feeling of finality. What am I going to be like later on?
I love the stage that Florence is at - developing a personality, making conversation, learning how to walk. It is lovely to watch her and Shay together. I think, 'gosh, I will never have this again'. Maybe if it had been my decision to make... What? I would feel differently about it? Who can ever know?
I just need to accept that this is how it is. The definition of finality: 'having no possibility of further change'. That is it. This is my life after Patrick.